flames to ice
by deanheart22
Summary: Hunger and thirst had always been an insatiable part of Dean's life. He had come to accept it, fight it, even hide it at times yet all of this had only encouraged the flame until one day he realized it didn't exist any more. he was as empty as a shell. its a tag to my bloody valentine. please do review!


Author's note- hulla guyz. So here is a one shot based at the end of the episode ~ my bloody valentine. 5.14 So if you haven't watched, don't read. If you do anyways, I am not to blame. Got that? Anyways. All of it is in Dean's pov kay ~ enough with the jibber jabber ~ lets get on with the fic~~

Hunger and thirst had always been an insatiable part of Dean's life. He had come to accept it, fight it even hide it at times yet all of this had only encouraged the flame.

As a kid, he had abandoned his childhood for Sammy. Their dad had left them alone for weeks at a time without sufficient money for food and other basic necessities. It was in times like these that Dean had to forfeit his meal, feign nonchalance and a very full stomach and let Sam have his share too.

Perhaps this was the reason for his hunger as an adult. His constant eating was a result of his starvation as a kid maybe. Somehow Dean found himself reflecting on this as they drove away towards yet another motel. Famine's words had hit him hard in the gut.

Empty huh?

Empty didn't cover it.

Keeping the superficial hunger that died after a few burgers aside, he hadn't realized that the hunger that had haunted him for about an eternity now, ran so much deeper than he had thought.

As a kid, his heart had been constantly enveloped in the flames of hunger. They had licked his very being. The first one had shown up the minute his mother had dropped dead. The need to see his mother alive had engulfed his innocuous mind. It had nearly consumed him. Crushed him completely. The only thing that had kept him at bay had been the 6 month old puppy dog eyed bundle which had been thrust into his hands.

Taking care of Sammy had become his only agenda. It had kept him grounded and had clutched his sanity. Slowly the flame ebbed away. As he got past his grief, his little shoulders got pushed by another responsibility. Hunting soon stepped into his life. Along with it came another hunger, the need to please and obey his father.

This was one of the hungers that ran high in him. It was a constant one, ever present from the time his father handed him that gun at the tender age of six. It ran through his every nerve. The rush, the desire to please, almost died along with his father except for the promise he had made to watch out for Sammy at a young age. This promise fuelled his commitment towards his father. It stuck with him till the very end. Even when he was being sliced apart by the sadistic sons of bitches in hell, this promise didn't leave him.

All his life he had thirsted for love and affection. For someone who would see those sea green orbs glistening with hidden intelligence. He had never been on the receiving end of such affection. His hunger for love had been present since the very beginning. He had given in to it. Followed it. Suppressed it. But to no avail. He sacrificed over and over again for his hunger only to have the door slammed on him at every door. It hurt. It damn well did when you centered your life on your family and they ditched you each time for a new attractive toy like infatuated teenagers each time. It hurt. Like a bitch. If only each of his sacrifices would have earned him even a taste of love, he would have been full to the brim. He then began to search solace in scantily clad women who swooned over his heavenly looks never seeing the deep sad agonized hunger in his soul. Even if they showed love for his hot package than his broken heart, Dean relished it. It provided odd comfort. True love had never reached him, so resigned; he had to look for fake love in these phony women who cared for his pretty lips.

After returning back to the land of the living from his trip downstairs – another sacrifice for his hunger, he suffered silently as his hungers and desires changed alongside an John Winchester- wannabe , self absorbed Sam. All he had ever wanted was love. Was it too much to ask for a comforting hand, after squandering his life over Sam? Maybe no. at least, he didn't think so. Maybe he was wrong. But if it was wrong to beg for love after indulging in the greatest self sacrifice for his family, after enduring unspeakable horrors at the hands of sadist bitches he had hunted all his life, then he didn't want to be right.

Hunger soon dissipated into tiredness. Numbness and dread filled his very being. Sam was wiping away his hungers into heart aching numbness. He was abandoned by Sam, mocked for showing weakness after suffering forty years in hell and paid back for a lifetime of sacrifices. Yeah it hurt when his brother chose a demon over him. It hurt like a damn friggin bitch. It hurt when Sam stabbed him in the back for all his love, or choked on his sacrifices. But he couldn't bring himself to care as he once would have.

He was tired.

Tired of running after insatiable hungers.

Tired of running after the forbidden love that seemed to evade him in each walk of life.

Tired of running in the race against time to save the world in which no love existed for him.

He was done with it all.

So when Famine whispered those words, those little words that summed his very being, "you are empty Dean. You can't feel anything anymore" Dean found he too tired to even argue back because he knew, he now knew how true the statement was.

Each one ran after something , pined for some toy or object but, Dean Winchester , after running all his life, was tired , panting, drenched with the sweat of betrayal and hurt, to even hope to see , to feel a glimmer of the love he once wanted.

So when later that day, Sam asked him if he was hungry, he said, "nah. Not now" _**not been in awhile.**_ He realized how true that statement rang in so many ways. In so many levels, Dean wasn't the starved young man he once was.

Author's note~ hey! Please do review for the sake of my well being! Juz kidding but seriously guys, reviews are needed- pretty please *hugs the fan*


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